she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
do herpes really smell.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
