I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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