So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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