Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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