He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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