Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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