We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
