eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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