I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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