I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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