Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
