I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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