apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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