you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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