I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
