We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
