I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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