I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
