I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
