I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
