Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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