i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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