My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
