Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
