So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
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