Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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