I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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