every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
