he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
