she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
