if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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