I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
