the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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