i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
