she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
