guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
im six kinds of drunk right now
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
