wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
