Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
if only i could text you this smell
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
