Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
