Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
