when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
