His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
