New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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