Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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