I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
