I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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