The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
