At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
