So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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