I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
