just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
