he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
