Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
