so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You made out with two different species that night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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