The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
